If You We're Still Here, This Is What I Would Say

Dear Trevor  and Moana,

There are moments when I miss you both so much. This is one of those moments. I am sitting in the dark on a plane with tears that don't seem to have an end. 

I am thankful for the Gospel and the knowledge that one day I will have a chance to give each of you a hug and be able to tell you you all the things that I wish I would have told you when you were here. 

Moana, I am so glad that last thing I said to you was that I love you and that I cannot wait to see you again. And I truly do. I wish I would have said it more often. Trevor, I remember talking with you in the phone after Vaitafe died but I as hard as I try, I cannot remember what we talked about. I wish you could call me again. I still have your number in my cell phone. I used to call sometimes just to hear your voice with the false hope that one day you would actually answer again and I could tell you how much you mean to me. 

For some reason, human weakness I guess, we are never able to see our Divine Potential. We don't understand how talented or beautiful we are. None of us are perfect, we are full of flaws to tackle. My flaws are different then your flaws; my struggles are not the same as yours either.  We may not be perfect but neither are we worthless. We focus so much on our imperfections we gain a myopic and distorted view of our self worth and we cannot see our talents or value  any more.

Sadly, both of you struggled with your demons and thought you were alone. There is nothing  farther than the truth. The greatest beauty of life and having unique challenges is that we get the opportunity to remind each other, in those dark hours, that we are special. My heart breaks to think of the pain both of you must have been carrying with you everyday that lead you to make the choice you did. 

I wish I would have been more sensitive and reached out. I wish you would have asked for help. I know you had forgotten all the good about yourself and started to believe we would be better off without you. Your decision was wrong. We are all here. We would have all helped. 

I know I cannot tell you this until I see you again in Heaven, but these are some  of the thoughts I would have shared with you if we did have the chance to talk. My hope is that someone else may need to hear these words. 

First, and most important is that I LOVE YOU! It is something I am never afraid to say to anyone. No matter how "un macho" it seems. If you cannot see your own Divine Worth, then I will share what I see in you until you can see it yourself.

Look around you, none of us is perfect. We all need someone to hold our hands and strengthen our feeble knees at one time or another. I am so blessed to have people who have done that for me, you two included, in the moments when I needed it. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a CHILD OF GOD. There is help, sometimes you need to ask. You hide it so well we don't see your hidden sorrows and open wounds, so letting us in helps.

It is ok to cry. Haha, I cry all the time. Like right now, the guy next to me must be wondering what is wrong with me. Sadness and anger are all part of the growing and healing process. Let it out. Then move on. Let us be the shoulder to cry on and help you along the way. 

Forgive yourself. Stop dwelling the past. If the past is dark, do what you need to do to correct it, then learn from it and move forward. It won't happen over night so don't get down on yourself if you relapse. Pick yourself up, and take the next step. 

As I said before, my struggles and demons are different from the ones you had. Yet they are just as real. One thing that always helps me is the faith that there is an end. No trial lasts forever. Just like the rising sun, the light always chases away the darkness (corny metaphor I know, but it is true)

Lastly, and most of all...remember that you mean something to all of us. We love you. We love the memories we have of you. You always have and always will be someone special in our lives. 

So, I am missing you. And I just wanted you to know that I love you.

Dust