Disclosure:
This post is neither inspiring nor reverent, so I invite you to stop reading
now (especially since you may lose what small amount of respect you have for
me)
Life
is somewhat messy at times. Today was one of those days for me. Ok, that is a
bit of an exaggeration, it was really only about 30 messy minutes, but it made
a lasting impression. Every small act, that seemed in consequential at the
time, added up to culminate in one HUGE predicament.
Lady
Hiva had a wedding to attend with her mum so Tau’aho and I went to eat at a
fast food joint and then I took him to the West side of Oahu to see the turtles
and the sunset. I wanted to get some good photos. We made our drive around the
North Shore and talked about life. He is a fun little guy and loves to tell me
about the colors and shapes he sees and the sounds he hears.
We
made it to “Turtle Beach” (I am not sure the real name, but call it that
because there seems to always be sea turtles there.) Tau’aho was so excited to
see ‘Crush.’ We found a parking spot among all the people preparing for the
sunset and walked to the first beach. I started to get a stomach ache and heavy
gurgling. There were no turtles on the south end of the beach so we walked to
the north end. As we walked I carried Tau’aho because this morning he threw
away his slippers and before we realized where they were the maid had taken out
the rubbish so he was barefoot.
The
farther we walked the more my stomach ached and rumbled. I knew I needed to
find a bathroom---quick! But my Lucky Dragon was going on and on about seeing
Crush. By the time we made it to the other end of the beach I realized I was
concentrating so hard my stomach and NOT farting because I was afraid of what
would come out that I was not listening to his happy chatter. I was actually a
bit relieved to see that there were no turtles there and immediately started
back to the car. I was half running to make it fast, but half not running
because too much movement was short to cause gas—and whatever comes with it—out.
I
was plotting where I could go to the bathroom. Lady’s parents live about ten
miles from where I am. But on a two-lane road full of sunset watching tourists
I knew I was not going to make it there. So which beaches have public
bathrooms? A few but still a drive away. Do I dare knock on someone’s door to
use the bathroom? I visualized me saying, “Hello, I really am going to explode
can you watch my kid while I soil your bathroom?” Best bet is to make it to the
beach bathroom. I would NEVER go in these bathrooms normally, but right now it
was as if I was aiming for the Olympic gold medal.
I
rushed him into the car and slowly sat down to not cramp my style too much. At
this point the need to “go” was so acute it actually hurt. We drove a few feet
and I really didn’t dare breathe at this point and kept wiggling to ‘hold it in.’
All I could think is, “I’m
not going to make it. I’m not going to make it!” Just about then I saw some
roadside Porta-potties. Now, I said before I would not use the public beach
bathrooms normally, that is nowhere near the disdain I have for porta-potties.
But again, at that moment, they were an answer to prayer. I pulled over quickly
and by the time I did I was a few yards from the dirty blue boxes. I ran around
the car to grab Tau’aho out of the back and luckily had bought some Kleenexes at
the grocery store early to wipe his nose because I grab a few as I was dancing
the “I have to go dance” just in case there was not any TP. Tau’aho came but
was trying to dive back in for his toys. But I did not have time for that. I started to run across the road, again
trying not to run too fast or too slow. It was kind of a tippy toe-keep-it-in kind
of a run. At this point I was thinking, “Oh, no, it is coming! It’s coming!”
About that time a nice old
man walked by and said “Aloha!” With affection, I squeaked out a response,
worried if I used too many stomach muscles to talk or breathe I would squirt.
The porta-potty is getting closer now, but sure enough a fart slipped out and a
clenched to stop it but that just made more juice fart come out…”Oh no! I just
crapped my own pants!” “Stop!” “Stop!”
But the more I tried to stop,
the more shooting happened. Then I had the horrible thought that what if I made
it to the porta-potty and it is locked because it is not for public use! No
time to think now, hopefully there are tall bushes nearby then. We arrived and
I slammed the door open put Tau’aho down in and shut us in. I could not leave
him outside that close to the road and with strangers, but here we were in a
small filthy box with him and no shoes and I am squirting everywhere. The smell
was horrible. I was backed up to the door and in between my gulping for air of
relief I would tell him “Don’t touch anything!” The noises, heat and smell must
have been horrendous.
At one point he said, “Daddy,
what happened?” What do you say to your two year old who is wedged between your
knees as you have one of the most despicable experiences of your life and he is
forced to watch?
About then a car alarm went
off, “Crap! (pun intended) Did I lock the car?” I had no idea. But at this
point I could not worry. I could not get into my pockets because all
concentration was on not making more of a mess than I already was and if I
lifted my pants everything from the pockets may end up in the nasty hole.
Finally all done, I carefully
took off all the soiled layers to leave in the wretched place. I was never so
glad for fresh air. When we stepped out I realized that my right slipper and
ankle was covered in an unknown slimy brown substance! ARE YOU KIDDING???!!! I
hope it was just a mud from a puddle I unknowingly ran through on my way from the
car, but I could not be sure. I took it off, picked up Tau’aho and ran to the
beach. In between the laughing groups and sighing couples enjoying the sunset I
frantically washed my feet hands and then Tau’aho’s feet and hands. Secretly
hoping there was some sort of antibacterial element to sea water and the
exfoliation of sand.
Stood up and started to laugh—at this point
what else do you do? You crapped in your pants (and quite possibly on your
shoes and feet), trapped your kid with you in a porta-potty, and have no soap.
I took a photo of the sunset and we made a mad dash for the nearest grocery
store for hand sanitizer.
Poor Tau’aho, of all of this
experience the most traumatic was me curtly telling him to not touch his face,
his food or anything else. The poor kid held out his hands like a mummy walking
unsure as to why he could not use them. I looked back and saw he did not like
the sand residue on his arms and since I told him to use his hands he went to
lick off the sand! “NO!!!! Don’t lick it!~”
I poured sanitizer all over
his arms, feet and legs. Then did the same to mine. I wished I could take a
bath in sanitizer at this point. We will do the sunset photos another day...
Now the crisis is complete I
can laugh about it. Lady Hiva called me and asked where we were. I told her we
went to see the turtles and when I told her there weren’t any she wanted to
know why we were coming home so late. As I recounted to story to her I could
not even get through parts of it without laughing to the point I could not
talk. I hope it brought you some laughs too, because I am sure I am not the
only one with a story like this! And, hey, looking on the bright side, my gag reflexes never kicked in through this entire experience. (I think I was WAY TO horrified at what was happening). So I am happy to report I did not throw up. Not even once!
Dustin this is so weird, I'm in Vegas this weekend and last night had a very similar experience! No portapotty thank goodness! Funny story man!
ReplyDelete